Can adoptive families ever be the same as biological ones? Professor Susan Golombok would argue they are not because of the different circumstances and stresses facing both children and adoptive parents.

In her new book on parenting she explores the differences and explains how to apprach that difficult question of telling a child about their background.

There's no doubt that adopted children fare better during childhood and adult life than those raised in institutions, or by parents who don't want them.

This is good news for the 2,200 children adopted from care last year, but it's not the end of the story, for adoptive families are different from natural ones in ways that can affect the relationship between parents and children.

Research shows that the key to successful adoption is more or less the same as it is for any happy family - it's the quality of family life that matters most.

Warm and supportive relationships are vital for any child. But while it's obvious that adopted children are not genetically related to their parents, other differences exist as well.

Adoptive mothers and fathers have often endured years of infertility treatment before becoming parents, followed by demanding investigations into their suitability to adopt.

This can put a strain on relationships and take its emotional toll. And support from the extended family should never be assumed.

One of the saddest stories I heard when researching my book, Parenting: What Really Counts? was from an adoptive mother, Anna.

She said:"'When my mother-in-law knew that I was having problems conceiving, she told my husband, 'If you're going to adopt, never, ever expect me to think of them as my grandchildren."'

But once they arrive, adopted babies are usually greeted warmly. And for adoptive parents, it's the end of a long period of distress and despair.

As a result, they tend to cope very well with the transition to family life, often better than natural parents.

One study comparing couples where the woman was expecting to give birth with others waiting to adopt, found the pregnant women more likely to feel depressed than the adoptive mothers-to-be.

Four months after the baby's arrival, the adoptive parents were finding family life more enjoyable and were coping much better with the physical demands of parenthood.

And we know that adopted infants are just as securely attached to their mother by their first birthday as those who live with their birth parents.

The first real challenge faced by adoptive parents is telling their child about their adoption. Social workers encourage parents to be open, and these days most follow their advice.

"It's something the social workers made very clear, and we agreed with them," says Sarah."The child's bound to find out sooner or later, and if it's later I think it could be a real shock."

Knowledge of their origins helps adopted children to develop a secure sense of identity.

"It never occurred to me that there was any choice about telling him," says Kate. "'If you turn it into a secret it becomes something furtive and potentially shocking.

"I mean, if you have a 'telling' session when they're teenagers, you build it up into a big deal. I feel that if our son suddenly found out at 14, say, that he was adopted, it would be much harder for him to come to terms with than if he had known all along.

"He'd think we'd lied and wonder what else we'd kept from him."

Secrecy can interfere with family relationships and harm the psychological wellbeing of the child both in the short and the long term. And children who find out about their adoption by accident or through someone else are likely to feel particularly distressed.

As there isn't a pregnancy, others will know about the adoption and may unwittingly reveal it to the child.

"Most of our neighbours know because one day we came home with this little bundle," says Helen.

"A lady I often talk to came up and said, 'Oh, she's lovely. Whose is she?', and I said: 'She's mine.' She looked at me as if to say: 'Hang on a minute, I don't remember you being pregnant.' So, of course, it came out then, and I said we were adopting her."

But openness is not necessarily the easiest option, and parents may find telling children that they're adopted both difficult for the child and troubling for themselves.

From that point, their children know that they have other parents as well, so adoptive parents worry that the child's feelings towards them will change.

They will also be concerned with the distress that knowing about the adoption may bring the child, and about any possible damaging effects to the child's sense of security and self-esteem.

And they can no longer pretend that their relationship with their children is the same as that of biological parents.

Simply letting very young children know that they're adopted, however, doesn't mean they will understand much about it.

Children may well say: 'I'm adopted', and even be able to tell the story of their adoption, but they don't always grasp what it means.

When they reach school age, they begin to ask questions about their biological parents: 'What do they look like?', 'Where are they now?', 'Why did they have me adopted?'

Knowing that adoption means that they were given up by their biological parents can cause children to feel less positive about it, and feelings of loss, rejection and confusion are common.

For parents, coping with children's negative feelings about adoption can often be the toughest challenge of adoptive life.

Just as in any family, adolescence is often a nightmarish stage for both parents and child. Young people are developing an identity, a sense of who they are, and to do this, they need to build a coherent story of their lives.

Adopted teenagers are generally interested in their origins and, at 18 are legally allowed to seek out information and contact their biological parents, a process that is likely to be as emotive for the parents as it is for the adoptee.

Statistically, however, girls are likelier than boys to try to trace their birth mother - an estimated 50 per cent of adopted women and 30 per cent of men embark on the search.

So, growing up in an adoptive family can place additional stresses on children that don't exist for those raised by their natural parents. But how severely they are affected depends on a number of factors, most importantly the child's age at adoption.

In 1998, only 195 babies under a year old were adopted in this country, and last year, the average age was four years, four months (according to the Department of Health, two-thirds of children are adopted before the age of five).

The age at which a child is adopted will often affect how successfully the adoption turns out.

In general, the younger the child, the happier the experience is likely to be. The older children are when they're adopted, the likelier they are to have experienced a traumatic early childhood.

They may have been separated from their biological mother after forming a close bond with her, or even have been separated from her or foster parents many times.

Biological influences may also play a part, as mothers who put up children for adoption are statistically more likely to have been under stress, eaten badly, and smoked, drunk alcohol or taken drugs during pregnancy, all of which can harm the developing foetus.

They may also have experienced complications during birth, or had psychological problems of their own that have been passed on to the child.

Studies show that during pre-school years adopted children are no different from nonadopted children.

But when they reach school age behavioural problems begin to emerge, although as children progress through the teenage years, these difficulties tend to fade.

It is also true that, while a higher proportion of adopted children than non-adopted children are seen by mental health professionals, this doesn't necessarily meant that adopted children are more likely to have psychological problems.

It could be because adoptive parents are more motivated to seek help when their children show emotional or behavioural difficulties.

However, adopted children do appear to share similar kinds of problems, suggesting that being adopted may place them at greater risk.

The problems most often reported, or referred to at clinics, are aggression, disobedience, defiance and bullying. They're also more inclined to show learning difficulties at school.

It is best when children feel able to discuss their adoption freely, and feel a sense of security and support when going through difficult times.

If parents deny their family is different and discourage discussion about the child's past, or blame all difficulties shown by the child on birth parents, they risk their children having problems as they grow up.

Sadly, adoption is still seen by society as a second-best route to parenthood. Adopted children are often stigmatised at school. It's important, then, to look beyond the family in trying to understand why adopted children sometimes experience difficulties.

Only three years ago, in England, a boy was disqualified from a family golf competition because he was adopted. The golf club argued that because he was not a 'blood relation', he was not eligible to play.

If adopted children are exposed to attitudes like this, is it surprising that some people who were adopted as children find if difficult to see their experiences as positive as they grow up?

Professor Susan Golombok is director of the Family and Child Psychology Research Centre at City University in London.

Her book, Parenting: What Really Counts? is published by the Routledge, £15.99

This article was first published in Red magazine in June 2000.

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