Dianna Peterson Huszar has mourned the loss of her beloved daughter twice in her lifetime. In the 60s, as a vulnerable teenager she was forced to give up her newborn baby for adoption. Then four years ago, following a joyful reunion with the child she thought she would never see again, she lost her finally to a brain aneurysm. This is her story.

I am a first mother who was reunited with my adult daughter, Kristi, in 1992 and lost her again to a brain aneurysm in 2001.

During that time we were very close and I became active in several organisations dedicated to open adoption records and open adoption in general.

My daughter spoke publicly about her lifetime search for personal identity and the absence of information necessary for her complete personality to develop, not to mention all the medical and historical facts that were hidden from her during her childhood.

The social climate of the 60s was different than it is today. Unwed mothers were made to feel that they should be ashamed and should get rid of the cause of their shame. I was 16 and very vulnerable to the adults who ran my life so I gave up my child and still regret it.

The reunion was fantastic especially after we worked out the usual problems in any reunion - which are guilt and anger on everyone's part - including her adoptive parents.

She and I came to realise their degree of denial was far greater than their love for her but she did love them very much and so was torn apart by their attitude toward me. They have never realised how much I wanted to include them in the reunion and was disappointed they couldn't understand what I meant to their daughter.

Kristi had three children. The oldest two called me "Nana" and I was a major part of their lives until she died when her ex-husband decided not to let them see me anymore.

I took him to court for visitation rights but was denied a hearing. So, I wait until he changes his mind or they are old enough to decide on their own.

Her youngest child, Brenda, was born after their divorce and fathered by a man who has married since her death. He is a wonderful parent. Her stepmother has now adopted her.

I see the baby and I am happy she is growing up in open communication with me. She doesn't know who I am yet as she was an infant when my daughter died and her world was turned upside down.

Quite frankly, I love her and her parents and I am just glad I am welcome, but I do want her to know who I am before I die.

So, life is bitter-sweet even though I wouldn't change a thing in that I had time with my daughter and got to hold my grand-babies. I pray for all of them and know they will see their first mother again in another place.

I think the oldest two are well as their father is a stable man, regardless of what he thinks of me. I believe they will remember me and want to be reunited, just like their mother. I take good care of myself for that reason.

Thanks for reading my story.

Dianna Peterson Huszar
California
USA