Well, when things move they really do move quickly. We have had quite a fortnight!!!!!!

Our social worker rang us about two little boys they were family finding for, they had narrowed the couples they would visit down to four and an appointment was made for the following week. I can't tell you how many emotions I felt, excited, nervous, full of hope, worried, to name but a few.

We met with our social worker and the boys social worker and it was quite an intense morning, they spent two and a half hours asking us about:-

Contact management
Bonding
Attachments
Life Story books
Parenting

We felt it went well and I thought that finally we were going to become the family we have longed to be for so long.

But it wasn't meant to be. We had a phone call to tell us that we weren't chosen and to say that we were devastated is an understatement. I haven't cried so much in a long time (felt for Patrick as I was sobbing so much I couldn't string two words together). Partly I think because I had lived on my nerves for a week, partly through frustration, partly because it was a flood gate for pent up tension and stress and of course mainly because I wasn't going to be a mum and Harry a dad to these two little boys.

I feel completely exhausted by the whole two weeks and very, very sad that we weren't chosen.

I am going to let myself have a few down days to recover and reflect as I think that it's important to let yourself feel the sadness and the pain sometimes. But then I am going to keep positive and look forward to the next time, when hopefully our children will be found.

I am happy for the couple who were matched, I am sure that they must be having the most wonderful week and at least their search is over for their sons.

So, for the time being, it's back to book buying for me.

Ellen x

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