My name is Ellen, I'm 36 years old and married to Harry (aged 34). For far longer than I like to recall Harry and I have been trying to become a mum and dad.

About 4 years ago we went for tests at the local hospital where the consultant informed us that Harry had a low sperm count. To be honest we had expected the tests to be simply routine and to be told there were no problems but to just keep trying, so it came as a bit of a shock to find out that we needed IVF treatment.

Because Harry's count was so low we were informed it would be ICSI we needed and were referred to a local fertility clinic. We undertook our first cycle and were then told that they had found (during egg retrieval) that I had endometriosis, by this time the shock of IVF had subsided so the news about endometriosis was easier to deal with.

During our treatment my ovaries didn't respond well to the medication, which resulted in low volumes of eggs being produced, this coupled with the fact that only 50% matured meant that we were unable to freeze any embryos and had to have fresh cycles each time. My ovaries responded less well each cycle despite having increased medication and this indicated that my egg reserves were poor.

By the end of the second cycle we had already started to consider adoption and decided that we would try one more cycle of ICSI before 'moving on'

Almost a year ago (to the day) we had our third and final negative IVF ICSI cycle. We could have kept going with IVF but felt we were ready to move forward. We went to our final review with our consultant and he explained that we would need an egg donor if we were to keep trying, we thanked him for all his support and told him that we had decided to close the door on IVF and adopt.

I knew that before starting the adoption process we had to come to terms psychologically and emotionally with not having a biological child and I had to come to terms with the fact I would never be pregnant or know what it was like to carry a child. Though this was of course a difficult period, the fact that we were finally moving forward and another step nearer to our dream helped us enormously.

The more we thought about adoption, the more enthusiastic we were and the more right it felt to us. We both agreed that what we wanted was to be a family and the biological aspect wasn't important to us, having our own children was what really mattered.

We both now feel that adoption is the first and only choice for us, people look at me strangely when I tell that if someone guaranteed me a successful cycle now I wouldn't want that. One day soon we are going to meet 'our very own' children and they will be so loved and so special to us and I feel sure that the painful journey to bring them home to their new and 'forever' family will be forgotten.

I saw a lovely phrase the other day when looking through various adoption sites, it was to explain to a child why they didn't grow in your tummy and it said to tell them that they 'grew in your heart', simple but so lovely and so very true.

This diary will be an account of our journey to find our children from the assessment through to the day we bring them home and finally become the family that we have dreamed about for so long.

Top

Back to the news archive