Week 2

I am starting this week's diary the morning of our panel. Its 1.10pm and we are due to leave in around 20 minutes to meet the people who will decide whether they will approve us as adoptive parents.

I am so nervous. Even though I sit before groups of people all the time at work, this is so different as it will change the course of our lives. At a time when I feel that Harry and I should be close and loving we are irritable and snapping at one another.

You wouldn't believe how long it took us to get ready as I wanted Harry to look just right and his 'just right' is not the same as my own! I do feel reassured though that the way we are behaving is quite normal having looked at the other diaries on Adoption-net.

Although I feel fairly confident (as I know that Harry and I would make wonderful parents) I'm also so scared that something might go wrong. This is so very important to us. I feel dreadful with nerves and have had to force myself to eat a sandwich, as I'm worried my stomach will rumble in the panel.

When I'm nervous at meetings my stomach manages to magnify itself to the sound of a foghorn, just to bring attention to me when I least need it! We find out at the end of the day whether we've been approved or not. Patrick sits on the panel and is going to ring us to let us know.

We arrived a little bit early at the place where the panel is held. We waited to be shown through, the 20 minute wait seemed like forever so I'm dreading the wait after the panel which will be around 2 - 3 hours. Patrick came to find us and take us to meet the people on the panel. There were about 12 or 13 individuals who each introduced themselves, they were warm and friendly and tried to put us at our ease.

The head of the panel explained that they had read our report and had 3 questions to ask us, two that we had anticipated and one which was very minor about a term used in IVF treatment.

The first question was with regard to a period of separation that Harry and I had some years ago and whether we felt confident that we wouldn't break up again. I explained how this had actually strengthened our relationship and helped us to realise how important we were to each other.

In addition the past four years of treatment had been the most stressful yet but they had seen us become closer and stronger as a result. We believed in the family unit and would ensure that we would give our children the most safe and loving and secure home we possibly could.

The other question was with regard to our ability to care for 3 siblings. They asked us why we felt we were capable of this, when to date we hadn't experience of caring for one child and they also pointed out how different our lives would be when children came along. Again we had expected to be asked about this and we answered honestly, explaining that we had researched caring for children who are adopted and understood the additional problems these children might have. We have a strong support network and also realise that we are going to have a steep learning curve to begin with.

When the questions were over, the panel thanked us for coming and off we went to wait for the phone call to change our lives.

We drove home and as we drove we went over all the questions together. Should we have said something different or extra? Did they like us? Harry felt very confident and he felt it went well. I on the other hand felt less confident and was worried that they had concerns about us.

We drove up to our house and my mum had arrived to surprise us! She had driven over on impulse (she lives about 100 miles away) to wait with us, as she knew how tense the next 2 hours were going to be.

The waiting was terrible, two hours seemed like 2 days, every time the phone went we all jumped and looked at each other and I ran to pick it up. Eventually, what seemed like a long wait later, it was Patrick. With the most wonderful news we had heard in so long, WE HAD BEEN APPROVED !!!!!

Patrick explained that the panel had really liked us and felt we were a really close couple. He also said that after meeting us they had no concerns regarding our application for up to three children. The relief was incredible! Harry, my mum and I just hugged each other, it was fantastic.

The next few hours were spent texting and phoning everyone to tell them our news. Harry and I kept grinning at each other and saying 'can't believe it, we've been approved'. All our friends and family were so happy for us, so many people were crying with happiness and we got lots of cards and flowers and a cuddly toy. It was wonderful!

So, Harry and I are going to be a mum and dad. Now the journey begins to find our children.

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