This is the diary of Melanie, 40, and Tim who is 39. They have been married for six years and despite three IVF attempts have been unable to have children naturally.

Tim and Melanie were approved for adoption for one child up to the age of three in June 2002.

The diary begins after the couple were approved.

Week three diary

Well, so much has happened since we last wrote, that we really don't know where to begin.

As you know, at that time, we were just awaiting the visit from Jim, the little boy's social worker, and our own social worker Susan was awaiting details on another child.

The night of the visit I will never forget! Susan, our social worker, turned up just before Jim and asked us whether we were feeling nervous.

I must admit, until that point, I hadn't even thought about getting nervous! I'd just started a new job and had had a very busy day, and fortunately hadn't really thought too much about the impending visit.

As I say, until that point! Well, before Susan had chance to say much more, Jim arrived. He was accompanied by David, the social worker for the little boy's foster carers.

After the pleasantries and offering of cups of tea, we sat down and started to talk. Jim and Dave were really nice people.

They obviously thought a great deal of the little boy, and were doing a real good job on "selling" him to us.

I say "sell" because that's strangely what it felt like. They told us anecdotes about him and what he'd been up to, as well as the more serious side of his background and any affect this had had on him.

What really made us start to think about whether he was right for us, was the questions Susan was asking them about the little boy.

I started to get the feeling that perhaps she didn't think it was right for us, but I was so swept up in it all, I didn't dwell on it all that much at the time.

At the end of about two hours of chatting, we decided we had covered everything we needed to know and they'd answered all the questions we had. We said we needed to talk about the whole thing between us before making a decision. Jim then said "Well, don't you want to see a photo of him then?".

I hovered for a moment, but Tim was right there, taking the photo of the little boy and looking at it.

He then leant over and passed it to me. Now I've read no end of books saying that you shouldn't expect to instantly love a child when you first set eyes on them, and to be honest I was expecting to see a little woebegone boy and not feel anything at all. Wrong!

I looked down at this photo, and there was the most lovely looking little boy with a smile to melt your heart.

I just stared at the photo - I couldn't say anything. Then I did something really odd - I just burst out crying! How embarrassing!

I just don't know why I did it - I think it was just the shock of it all and the fact that it had all become very, very real.

I felt a bit of a fool, but I just couldn't help it - it was a bit of an emotional moment! Anyway, after I had calmed myself down and apologised about 50 times, Jim and Dave left with Susan, but before she went, Susan said in a quiet voice, "I'll give you a ring over the next few days".

As soon as they'd gone, out came a bottle of wine.

Please don't think we're too fond of the old alcohol - we just found it steadied us a bit that night! We were in such a quandary.

We thought that the meeting with the social worker would have given us information that would have either made us go for it or not. It hadn't!

We were still in a state of real indecision. The both of us were a bit like zombies for the next few days - we just couldn't get it out of our heads.

It seems odd to say it, but something just wasn't right. There wasn't the excitement we'd expected. He was out of our ideal age range by around two years - it sounds very petty when I sit and write about it, that this is such a big factor, but it wasn't just that.

Jim and Dave had said the little boy was a real live-wire and a daredevil. He had no fear and always wanted to be out and about, doing things 24/7.

Boundaries would need to be set from day one and we'd have to be really firm - very firm indeed. We could imagine ourselves doing that with children after a while being with us, but we just didn't know if we could do it right from the start with a child we'd longed for so much.

When Susan rang, we were still undecided. The thing was, she said, without prompting, that she had imagined us with a younger child, one who needed really drawing out of themselves, and not the opposite.

She had been a little concerned right from the initial approach that he wasn't right for us and whether we were right for him.

I have to say at this point that we really do trust our social worker implicitly and have a lot of faith in her and her opinion. That night she swung it for us just by coming out with exactly the same concerns that we had.

We had a couple of more days to think things over before we came to a decision and rang her to say we didn't think it was right for us and we wouldn't pursue it.

I think it's the hardest thing I have ever done - to turn down a child after so many years of wanting a child. It was heartbreaking and difficult, and sometimes, when I really think about it, I hate myself for doing it and it upsets me even now as I sit here writing this diary.

All that said, deep down, we know we've made the right decision. Susan said to us that we'll know when its right - we'll be really excited about it and there will be no element of doubt.

Now that it was over and a line had been drawn through everything, we decided to tell our families and friends that we had been approached about a child but it wasn't right for us. We didn't say much, but enough, and I think that they were really glad to hear that the system was working and we'd had an approach.

What we didn't tell them, was that right after we had told Susan our decision, she told us that the details on the other little child she had mentioned were on their way to us. In her words "You're back on the roller-coaster so fasten your seat belts!"