I found out that I was adopted, by somebody in the park, when I was 12-years-old and I was really upset.

My mum and dad were never going to tell me. My mum took me for a walk and said I was special and that I was lucky and we never spoke again, she did not say anything about my birth parents until later on when I started to rebel and she said she was a slut who never wanted me.

I hated my adopted mum and was horrible to her from the day I found out. I felt so lonely and isolated from who I thought were Mum and Dad and also my brothers knew and I didn't!

At 16 I attempted suicide in a attention cry and when my dad visited me (this is 4 years after I found out about the adoption) he was shocked about what I had done as mum hadn't even told him that!!

After 4 years she kept the fact that I knew they were not my biological parents from her own husband! I hated her even more for that.

I got into drugs that messed me up and nobody understood how I felt. Blokes that I met would not like to get involved with the tracing of my family in case it was a let down I think.

I would look on the TV and see if I could see my real mum. Bizarre I know but this is how you feel walking in the street if someone has your features. You always wonder what if that is her?

I used to wish she was a superstar waiting for me but this was far from it when I finally traced her.

I contacted the adoption agency who sent me my real birth certificate and her name was on there. It was an unusual surname and she lived only 1 hour away but at first I contacted her brother who lived - wait for it - round the corner!

Accompanied by a friend we approached his house and he opened the door and said hello Louise we have been waiting for this for some time. He pulled out a scrapbook of photos of me from when I was in the paper for dancing and beauty contests.

I couldn't believe it, I was in so much shock. He gave me my birth mothers number and I rang her and we met the next day.

There was no question that it was her when I saw her in the pub. She nearly collapsed but I just stood there as she flung her arms around me crying helplessly.

I didn't know her I couldn't cuddle her and this made me feel really uneasy. I was now 22 and she was 39 so yes you guessed she was 17 when she gave me up.

She cannot explain why but her parents would not allow her to keep me and she was told to sign. I cant understand why she didn't fight for me but at 17 I too fell pregnant and ironically was told by my adopted parents us or the baby. So I had to have a termination, which I did not want to have and regret it to this day even though I did not stay with my partner. I feel so much regret for doing this.

Anyway back to the adoption we went back to her house and that is when it dawned on me, I have always been on lovely holidays and although my parents were very old fashioned I had a good upbringing apart from the fact that mum is now an alcoholic which I blame myself for due to the way I treated her after the adoption.

But this house was disgusting they were so poor no doors no curtains and the dirt it was horrible. I am no snob but it was like a squat and her husband who she married when I was one smokes drugs openly. All my sisters (3 of them) do drugs and they are all on the dole.

So now I know what my life would have been like if she had kept me.

Apart from the fact that she is not clean and very poor she is really nice and I feel I would have been able to talk to her about anything, something that I could not do with my parents. I did not even know what a period was and sex was a swear word! You can't choose life but I am luckier than a lot of people. It was just that my dream of the superstar mum was crushed.

We have since found out four-years-on that the adoption was illegal and all done at the pub which I don't really understand as I had a birth certificate at the adoption centre but we lived an hour apart which is so called 'not allowed'.

I have letters, which are signed by my birth mums mum, to my mum with sums of money and signatures which my birth mum says she did not sign so it is all a mystery!

We stay friends but that is it. I still fill a stranger to her and I also appreciate what I have had.

Although my parents were odd in the way they dealt with it but I suppose they were trying to protect me but I just rebelled.

My adopted parents never talk about it, they do know I have traced my birth mum but with mums drink problem it is difficult.

Oh bye the way my birth dad was only 15 and he is sound. I mean 15 can u imagine!

I FEEL MORE AT EASE WITH MY LIFE SINCE I FOUND OUT .