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Are you adopted and contemplating a search for a biological parent? Here is some advice to consider before you start.

So, you're adopted, you thinking about trying to find your birth parents, how prepared are you? There is a great deal to think about when considering a decision of this magnitude, and believe me, from one who's been there, it is of great magnitude.

Consider this, you will be making a decision that will change your destiny and the destiny of others. This is not something to be taken lightly. This decision carries some serious weight, so my suggestion first and foremost, is for you to think long and hard about it. Here's a list of 20 questions to get you started.

1. What is it, really, that you hope to gain by finding your birth mom, dad, sibs, or family?
2. Are you only looking for medical history, or are you searching for identity, or do you simply want to know the circumstances surrounding your birth and the reason you were put up for adoption?
3. Are you fully prepared to alter the direction of your life?
4. Do you realise that by conducting a search, and if you are successful, that you are making a decision that will alter someone else's life, without their consent?
5. Are you fully prepared to accept the possibility that the search may yield unsuccessful results?
6. Are you fully prepared to handle the emotional consequences involved?
7. Will you be able to accept, if you are successful, that there may be some people who will not be happy that you made this choice?
8. Do you believe that if you are successful, that you and your birth mom/dad will live happily ever after?
9. Are you angry that your birth parents gave you up for adoption, whatever the reason may be?
10. Searches take time, patience, and often money. Are you willing to wait? Can you afford it?
11. Do you know, or have an idea of how making such a decision will impact your adopted family? Will they support your decision? Will they be angry or hurt?
12. Are you willing to accept the fact that one of your birth parents may not be what you expect?
13. How will you feel, if you are successful in your search, if your birth parent does not want contact? Will you be willing to let it go at that point? Or will you try to "force" a reunion?
14. Okay, so you meet. You have a reunion. What will happen afterward? How do you plan to get to know this person?
15. If there are half or full siblings involved, how will you feel about them? How will they feel about you? Are you prepared for them being possessive of their parent?
16. So you want to have a relationship. How do you feel about having a built-in extended family? How will you fit in? What are you responsibilities and/or obligations to them?
17. If you have children, how will you explain a "new" family to them? Do you think it will be wonderful for them to have more family? Or do you think it will be confusing for them?
18. Let's say you meet a birth parent and you are disappointed and no longer want contact, but they do. How will you handle that? Will you be able to define your own boundaries?
19. Are you mature enough, in age and experience, to handle whatever curves may come your way? What about long-term ramifications?
20. Are you looking to fill a void in your life, or are you simply trying to find a missing piece of the puzzle? Are you looking for a mother/father figure, or do you just want this person to be a part of your life?

Is your head spinning yet? Oops, sorry! No more questions for now. You've already got an awful lot to think about. Let me explain why I want you to think this through, I do not want to deter you, and I certainly am not trying to change your mind. All I want you to do is to be careful. I don't want to see you have high expectations and then get hurt. I want you to be sure that your motives are true.

Yes, sometimes fairy tale endings happen, but often they don't. I want you to have your feet on the ground and your heart in the right place. Remember, you are changing fate here, it's a big responsibility. You must be careful not only to protect yourself from getting hurt, but you don't want to hurt anyone else, do you? I want you to consider as many possibilities as you can. It may sound simple. Oh gee! I'm going to find my birth mom and we'll be the best of friends! Obviously, there's a lot more to it than that.

I found my birth parents fifteen years ago. I wrote about that in another article you might be interested in reading (this will be published on Adoption-net on Monday). But over the last fifteen years, we've had many ups and downs. Many complications. Believe me, I know of what I speak. There are long-term ramifications. There are problems. There are issues and questions.

But there is also joy, love, and compassion. There is also a sense of feeling more complete than you may have felt before, because you may get those answers you've been searching for. So, in the next few pages, let me share with you some of my own experiences, good and bad.

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