This is the diary of Lynne and her husband Brian. Lynne is 30 yrs old and Brian is 32. They have been married for four years ,but have been longing for a family for the last 5 years.

Pre-cancerous cells 8 years ago,left them unable to conceive naturally and a bad experience with IVF left Brian and Lynne childless.

In September last year we were approved for 2 children up to the age of seven. It was a hard assessment period, but all worth while.

This is their diary following approval...

WEEK 8

The month is now June, and things are coming along a treat. I have never been so happy as what I am now. I feel my life is now complete, and with it I have done some good.

For these 2 children, We have given a home, love, care, attention, and we have given them a mam and a dad. I feel, this last month, we have bonded even more, though I didn't think it was at all possible to bond more than we already are.

I am so deeply in love with my 2 children, and I can honestly say that I love them more than I would a 'birth child'. The feelings I have for them are immense, and are sometimes overpowering. I really feel like I'm going to burst. Times like, running out of school with their latest picture, or saying 'goodnight mam', or just sitting watching Teletubbies with them.

Yes, I have given in and reluctantly watched Teletubbies and Barney. God, I hate Barney. Skippedy dee doo. But, the kids love it, and I have purchased a Barney for Christmas. I will not be putting batteries in though. Hahaha. Maybe a bit nasty. but I have got to keep my sanity.

David, this last month, has been wonderful. He has come home every week with an award of some kind. Good homework, good spellings, good behaviour. He has even been made the classroom monitor. This has made him so proud, and it has made his Dad and I proud also.

Things are improving for David, and he is starting to see the benefits. I think he's starting to settle in and relax more. He's learning fast, and he's starting to realise that he's with us for life now, and no one is ever going to take him away from us.

His bed-wetting is not improving though. We had our first appointment at the beginning of the month with the enuresis clinic. They gave him charts to fill in. He got a smiley face for a dry night and a sad face for a wet night.

We had lots of sad faces the first 3 weeks. After 3 weeks, we went back to the enuresis clinic. They gave him some tablets. These were to stop his bed wetting with immediate effect. They are to shut down his urine producing system. They only last 6/8 hours, so I would have to give him another at midnight.

They did not work; he was still wetting around 4/5 times a night. I rang the enuresis clinic and spoke with the doctor. She told me, "its not urgent, you'll just have to put up with it until your next appointment"., which is in 3 weeks time. So, back to square one. I was not happy with her response, so I have a couple of things to say to her when I next see her.

David's teacher is more helpful lately. She doesn't shout to me at the school gate anymore to tell me about David's latest antics. We've had a pretty quiet month from the school. Which is good.

Ashleigh is still the same. The only thing better with her is she has stopped all together holding her breath. She did it at the end of last month, and when she 'came round', she was alone, or so she thought.

This scared her, and she panicked. We were watching her between the clothes railings in BHS. She wanted a woman's bra, saying she had 'big boobies', so she needed a bra. I told her she had flat pies, and she pitched a fit in the middle of the floor.

But now, we have a piece of paper which we put on the floor, saying, 'please ignore me, I am having a tantrum. I will be okay in a few minutes. My parents are standing out of the way because I embarrass them'. People read it and laugh at it.

They don't take any notice of her anymore, people understand. Another mother of a 7-yr. old girl asked me once, how I handle Ashleigh's tantrums. I told her I just totally ignore her. So she has tried it with her daughter, and it has worked.

Things are improving every day. These 2 children are changing every day. Ashleigh's hair is now long and shiny. David has put on a little weight, which is good, as he was thin. They are both happy, 'normal' children.

We have ups and downs, but this last month, we have had lots of ups. I still have guilty feelings. Guilty for receiving the love from these 2 children. They are giving me what they should be giving their birth mother.

I have a really good friend who has also adopted a baby. She had her placed with her and her husband for 6 weeks now. The baby is 12 months old. She is also feeling guilty. We understand each other's feelings. It was good to talk to someone about these feelings.

Sometimes it drives me crazy. You don't get told about things like these guilty feelings in the adoption process. Every adoptive mother will have them at one point. I'm dreading Christmas, because I know I will think about the birth mother. What will she be missing?

My children are tucked up in bed now; warm, happy, full bellies, happy memories of the day locked in their minds and another day ahead of them full of love and security. I am also extremely happy tonight. I know my children are in bed, safe and warm. I know that tomorrow I will have another day full of unconditional love from these 2 little people - my children.

Whatever did Brian and I do before they came along?

E-mail Lynne and Brian

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