This is the diary of Lynne and her husband Brian. Lynne is 30 yrs old and Brian is 32. They have been married for four years ,but have been longing for a family for the last 5 years.

Pre-cancerous cells 8 years ago,left them unable to conceive naturally and a bad experience with IVF left Brian and Lynne childless.

In September last year we were approved for 2 children up to the age of seven. It was a hard assessment period, but all worth while.

This is their diary following approval...

WEEK 7

It is now the end of May. Our children have now been here for 4 months. Feels like a lifetime. We are still having problems with them, some new, some the same, some getting worse.

David's attitude towards life has taken a turn this month. His teacher has given him some pretty good reports from school, and he is now starting to come home with rewards for good behaviour. We still expect a relapse, but for now, while its good, we are making the most of it.

David has joined a reading club at school. He reads 20 books and gets a bronze award. After 40 books, he gets his silver award, and after 60 books, he gets his gold. He thinks he can read all 60 in 1 week. His reading isn't all that good, but he tries. His concentration level isn't good lately. When we try to talk to him, we have to make him sit facing us, and turn off the TV. Things have to be repeated lots of times.

At bedtime, David tells me lots of things. The one that sticks in my mind this month is when he told me about something his stepfather had done to him as a baby. I was horrified and appalled. I was also surprised he is still alive to tell the tale. I cannot write it here for confidentiality reasons.

He hates his birth mother, and will not look at his life book. Last week he wanted to throw it in the bin. He said it was his way of getting rid of the past. He then took his clothes out of his drawers and put them in our room. I asked him why? He just told me he's not used to having so many clothes to wear, so he wants to keep these ones for next year.

I told him they wouldn't fit him next year, and we would buy him some new ones. He wouldn't have this, it wasn't good enough. We let him put them in our drawers, and bit by bit I'm putting them back in his room. He doesn't realise I have been doing this. He probably will realise soon; he's not daft!.

David is coming on wonderfully. This month has seen a great change in him. My parents have noticed a change. Even his head-teacher has seen a change. We finally feel like we're getting somewhere with David. It's been hard the last few months, but the next few months are going to just as hard.

A lot of people have said, "I admire what you're doing, it must be hard to love another woman's children". But it's easy. The hard work was the assessment period and the matching panel. That was the most stressful time. Now, I'm enjoying my children. I love my children; they are my life now. I won't ever let anyone harm them even if it means laying my own life down.

We had a problem with someone riding round the streets last week in a car. They were trying to pick children up. David came in and told me he was talking to Ashleigh at the top of the street. I ran outside and saw the car drive away.

I didn't know if Ashleigh was inside the car and I tried to run after it. I couldn't catch it. I was screaming her name, I was crying, I panicked. Who was this? What was he doing? Where was my daughter? All of a sudden I heard her crying. She was behind someone's garden wall. She said the man had scared her, he asked her to get into the car and he would give her some sweets. She got scared and ran away, that's when I came outside. I felt dizzy and passed out.

Then next thing I knew, I was lying on my sofa and my parents were there. I told them what had happened and they rang the police. I gave them as much information as I could. They were happy with the info I gave them. We never heard anything else about the man in the car. Ashleigh wouldn't talk about it at all, so we just wait for her to bring it up, then we'll talk about it. The incident made me appreciate my children more.

I have been having great feelings of guilt this month. I feel guilty for having another woman's children. Why me? Why do they call me 'mammy'? Why am I enjoying their 'firsts'? Their first loose tooth, their first sports day at school, their first school report. Why am I experiencing everything their birth mother should be experiencing? Why am I getting the love from these 2 children when it should be the birth mother?

I can't help these feelings of guilt. It's the kind of person I am. Brian has been really good, listening to me and giving me advice. He doesn't feel the same way, but he understands because he's in the same position as me. He's a fantastic father, and I can tell he's enjoying these children. I am too, but the immense feelings of guilt I have are indescribable.

These feelings will be with me for a long time. I think I need to talk to someone in a similar position as myself. Only another adoptive mother will understand. I try to explain to my mother and my sister in law, but they had their children the 'natural way', so its hard for them to understand.

No one told me about these possible feelings, that I would possibly have them. I've shocked myself, because I didn't think I would ever feel this way.

Ashleigh has changed this month also. She is having fewer paddies, and has virtually stopped holding her breath. We have learned to ignore her when she does this, and when she realises she's not getting the attention she wants, she tries a different way of getting her own way.

That's to dive on us and cover us with kisses, cuddles and love. This, also, does not work. She hasn't worked it out yet, so I hope it lasts longer. We were getting a little tired of her tantrums. Her teacher has spoken to me and thinks she needs a statement of special needs at school.

This will mean she gets extra help in the classroom. The school is going to assess her over the next 2 months, to see if she does need a statement. Her stammer has got better lately. She will think about what she wants to say instead of stuttering. It takes her a while to say it, but when she says what she wants, we can understand her a lot better.

We had our family portraits taken this month. We decorated the living room so I wanted some big pictures for the walls. We had one taken of David and Ashleigh together, then one each separately. They came out fantastic, and now have pride of place on the chimney-breast and the facing wall.

We will get through the next month even better than this last one. Things are getting better for all of us. My only concerns are David's attitude about his birth family. He hates them. I can't force him to change the way he feels about them, but I try.

Ashleigh is taking one day at a time, but still believes she came from my tummy. They are growing taller; Ashleigh's hair is long now, right down her back. Lots of knots and tots in the morning, so that usually starts a tantrum off, so she goes to school with half brushed hair most of the time.

We look forward to the next day because we believe it will be better than the last. Sometimes it isn't, but lately it is. Lots of people think it's easy, bringing someone else's children up, but its not. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I'm not complaining about it. I love it.

The summer holidays are coming up soon, so we're looking forward to a few days at my parent's caravan. They never stayed in a caravan before, so its exciting for them. It's exciting for me also. A real family holiday.

E-mail Lynne and Brian

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