This is the diary of Lynne and her husband Brian. Lynne is 30 yrs old and Brian is 32. They have been married for four years ,but have been longing for a family for the last 5 years.

Pre-cancerous cells 8 years ago,left them unable to conceive naturally and a bad experience with IVF left Brian and Lynne childless.

In September last year we were approved for 2 children up to the age of seven. It was a hard assessment period, but all worth while.

This is their diary following approval...

WEEK 6

The month is April. Our children have been placed with us for 3 months now, and yet it feels like a lifetime.

It seems they have always lived here, been born to Brian and I, took their first steps in this house, spoke their first words here. but we know they didn't. It still feels as though they have.

It's a wonderful feeling, family. The problems we have with David's behavior, the tantrums from Ashleigh, all that doesn't matter really, we have our family.

Since our last visit to the school to see David's teacher, we have seen a slight improvement. We don't expect miracles, but we do hope that, one-day, we see a change in our little boy. His teacher has become more understanding about David's attitude, and she now understands where some of the behavior comes from.

We communicate more, which wasn't there before. I still don't like her. Neither does David. David's bedwetting is becoming more of a problem now. He is wet only ½ hour after going to bed. He is wetting himself outside and at school. David claims he doesn't realise he is doing it, but I caught him one day, and he was concentrating hard while peeing himself. He realised I was watching him, and he was guilty. I also caught him peeing in his bedroom.

I asked him why, he wouldn't tell me. His social worker told me he does it because he wasn't allowed to go to the toilet in the birth home. He still thinks he's not allowed, so he wets himself and pees in his room. This is what he was used to doing; this is what he was made to do. It's going to take a long time to change this, but we made a start immediately.

We have started telling him to go to the toilet every ½ hour, to get him used to going. Sometimes he will go without us telling him, other times, he needs reminding. By the end of the month, things were fine. He has stopped peeing in his room, and now uses the toilet freely. This was a good sign. We were finally getting somewhere with him. He has virtually stopped bullying Ashleigh. She would never hit him or kick him back, but this month, she has started doing this, and it shocks him. She sticks up for herself, and he doesn't like it. Tough.

We had the first appointment with a child psychologist this month. All the family had to be there. The appointment lasted 3 hours. The children were tired when we came out. The doctor wasn't helpful at all. David had been referred to her by the social worker, and she was recommended.

We waited in the waiting room for 1 hour while she read the notes. We then went into her room and she asked us a couple of questions about David's behavior. The children were not allowed to move off their seats. There were a few toys in the corner, and she had just tidied them away, and she didn't want the children playing with them. The children wanted to play with them, and I said I would tidy them when they were finished. She wasn't happy about this, but let them anyway.

She read the notes again, and for about 45 minutes, we sat in silence. Brian eventually said, "why exactly are we waiting? Are you going to tell us if you can help David with his behavior?" She said, "no, he will have to see someone who is willing to take him on with his problems".

We were disgusted with her, and after telling her this, we went home. I didn't tidy the toys away. I would see the doctor next week to see if he can help us. David needs help, he's got a lot of problems in his mind, and as much as I talk with him about it, he needs someone else to help him.

We went to see our own doctor, and he has referred us to the child and family unit. First, he would have to be assessed by the psychiatrist. This was better. An appointment was made immediately, and 2 weeks after, we had our first appointment with him. He was wonderful. We had to go into his room, the children were told to 'play with the toys. or else'. They had a great time.

He had toys they had never seen before, and after Brian showed them what to do, they played no problem. The doctor asked us lots of questions. He had an ear-piece in, which was linked to two other psychiatrists in the next room. They were watching us on the video camera and could hear us talking. They asked the doctor to ask us certain questions, and they found out a lot from that first appointment. The doctor agreed that David needed therapy. He needed help to come to terms with his past, and put bad memories in the past and look to the future.

The doctor was keen to start soon. We left the hospital feeling relieved and happy. David knew what was going to happen, and he was happy about it. We still have good days with him and they're becoming more and more over the last month. He's on the naughty stair about 5 times a week now, which is better. It still works and it's been a good thing, the naughty stair.

Ashleigh is still the same this month. She had a MAJOR tantrum at the beginning of the month. We went shopping to Asda; she wanted to sit in the trolley. She's a little bit too big for it, and would get stuck. This wasn't good enough for her. She kicked me in the shin, spat on my trousers and threw herself on the floor. She screamed at everyone, calling them all a bitch. (Kettle and frying pan come to mind?) Strangers also.

She then kicked a man, a stranger. He was horrified, and so was I. I apologised to him, and he went away chuckling to himself. I'm pleased someone found it funny.

She then held her breath. She went red, then purple, then passed out. This wasn't the first time she's done this, and it probably won't be the last. When she came round, there were lots of people looking at her. She shouted, "what you looking at, I'll stick my finger in your eyes if you don't go away".

She was going all out on this one. People were disgusted, some thought it was funny. I was horrified. Brain couldn't do anything except stand and stare. He moved away from us, so people would think she wasn't with him. Thanks Brian.

I then tried to pick her off the floor; she stiffened her body, opened her mouth and screamed for England. I had never in my life heard anything like it before. I didn't think a little girl could do this. I left her on the floor, and started to walk away.

People were disgusted I was going to leave her there, until I explained that she would now panic if she couldn't see us. People started to walk away from her and when she realised she wasn't getting attention any more, she stood up, wiped her face on a shirt hanging up, blew her nose on it, and ran to me. She held on to the trolley all around Asda, and never uttered a single word.

Needless to say, I paid for the shirt, covered in her tears and snot. When we got home, we had a good long talk about this behaviour. We told her it wasn't acceptable, and told her we don't do those kinds of things. She was made to sit on the naughty stair for 1 hour. Cruel you might think. 1 hour. but I thought it was too short. Her dad sent her there, and she knew when he sends you there, you're in BIG trouble.

At the end of the day, Brian and I laughed about it, and tried to imagine what we would think if it was someone else. I think I would walk away laughing like everyone else did that afternoon. Not funny at the time, but think about it; a little girl doing that in the middle of Asda. Wow.

We had a couple of small tantrums after that, but nothing as big as that. David has started breaking his toys in his bedroom. He explained that he wants them to himself, no one else was allowed to play with them. I think its to do with the fact that he never had toys in the birth home before.

We still find little stashes of food in his room under his bed. I check every morning after they go to school. Ashleigh brought a friend home for tea one night, and it was a good feeling that she was making friends.

David also brought home a friend for tea. It was a girl though, and she was sick on the settee. I rang her mother, she came to collect her, and when she saw it was David's house she had been to, she told off her daughter for 'playing with a child like David'.

I asked her to explain what she meant by this comment. She said, "well, all children who have been in care are trouble". This was prejudice I couldn't handle. David was clearly upset by this, and I was angry. I told her in no uncertain terms to go away, my son didn't need friends like her with parents like that. It's not the child's fault.

This month has been hard for us. David and Ashleigh are growing more confident with us, so are pushing us further, as far as they dare. We have started to be harder with them, setting more boundaries. They lose privileges for bad behavior. We have to do this. It works. They play one off against the other, but we have worked it out now.

Things will get easier, we know they will. Next month will be better. They are still growing into two beautiful, confident children who have missed their childhood. They're getting it back now. We make sure of that.

Love, care and attention are what they needed, and they're getting an endless supply of it here with us. We have years of it to give.

E-mail Lynne and Brian

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