This is the diary of Lynne and her husband Brian. Lynne is 30 yrs old and Brian is 32. They have been married for four years ,but have been longing for a family for the last 5 years.

Pre-cancerous cells 8 years ago,left them unable to conceive naturally and a bad experience with IVF left Brian and Lynne childless.

In September last year we were approved for 2 children up to the age of seven. It was a hard assessment period, but all worth while.

This is their diary following approval...

Week 12.

The year is going by really fast. It doesn't seem like 8 months since the children were placed with us.

We're hoping to go to court soon to have the adoption order made. I'm getting excited about this happening. I am also having those guilty feelings again. These feelings returned when we were told about our application going in to the courts.

I'm feeling extremely guilty about it all. When the order is made, these children will have severed all ties with their birth mother. They will never see her again until they choose to when they're old enough.

I know my children didn't have a good start in life, they suffered serious neglect and physical and emotional abuse. So, in a way, I have saved them from that life. So, why do I feel this guilt for being their mother? I will never know. It's hard for me to work it out. You don't get told these things during the adoption process.

We had a week's holiday this month. Half term. We went for a holiday in Wales. We stayed in a bed and breakfast on the coast at Bangor. We stayed for 3 nights.

We built the kids up to it for a long time, and they were excited about it. We left home at 5 am, the kids were dragged out of bed, dressed, took to the toilet, and put in the back seat with a quilt and pillows. They slept all the way. We didn't even have to stop for the toilet.

There was no, 'mam, I feel sick', or, 'mam I need a wee'. Brian and I enjoyed the journey, time to talk, make plans for the trip. David was excited, he was looking forward to it.

Ashleigh was also excited. When we arrived, we took our bags to the room and went straight to the beach. It was cold, but we all had our coats and gloves on. It still didn't stop us building sandcastles and having a little paddle, though my feet were blue.

We played on the beach, ran up and down with the football, ate fish and chips out of the paper, and had lots of time bonding as a family. We never talked about our lives back at home, or mentioned the birth family. We were in a little world of our own, and it was nice.

We took lots of pictures, which we will cherish forever. While we were there, we visited a friend in Holyhead. She's my best friend, and she's just had a little boy placed with her for adoption. Our children soon made friends with her son, and he loved having another 2 little people to play with. They soon trashed her house. It was good to watch them all play like kids do.

We went home a happy family. We looked forward to going home, to our own beds, and to see our family and the dogs. We had sticks of candy rock to hand out. The kids were happy, and had a healthy glow from the fresh air and the break.

Ashleigh is up to her tricks again. Her tantrums have returned with a vengeance. We had one nearly every day this month. The advertisements are on the television for Christmas toys. Ashleigh wants them NOW. We tried to explain to her that she can't have them now, but will have to wait until Christmas. That didn't work. Her tantrums have been the worst this month more than ever.

She seemed to be constantly throwing herself on the floor and screaming. Brian and I seemed to be constantly carrying her to her room and leaving her there and ignoring her. Most of the time, she would fall asleep from the exhaustion of it all, but other times she would come downstairs and say sorry. Then she would have another paddy.

We thought we had controlled her paddies, but obviously not. I think a visit to the doctor will have to happen. We need to speak to a specialist who can give us some advice and help on these tantrums. There is a reason behind every tantrum she has, but we don't know where it's all coming from.

"I had to go outside and I cried"

The kids had their harvest festival at school. I took the video camera and got a front seat. It was wonderful. David had a solo speaking part, and he done it wonderfully. He was so proud.

He stuck his chest out and said, nice and clearly, his lines. He got applause for it. I had tears in my eyes. This was not the same little boy who came to live with us in January. He stood on the stage so proud and confident. I was proud of him. I think I was bursting that much everyone knew he was MY son.

His class then sang a song with actions in it. David stood at the front, and did all the actions right. Ashleigh's class sang a song also, and she sang at the top of her voice. She stood out from all the rest, and you could hear her squeaky voice.

Everyone was commenting on her, and they all said what a beautiful little girl she is, and how happy she looks. I was so happy, I had to go outside and I cried. I was so proud of my two children. They are not the same two kids as they were 8 months ago. They have changed a lot.

Ashleigh broke her ankle at the beginning of this month. She was playing outside one Sunday afternoon, and she tripped over. Her ankle was swollen, so I put a bag of frozen peas on it. I then took her to casualty. We waited for 4 hours to see a nurse. Then she told us to go to x-ray.

We waited there for a further 1 hour. We had to wait again to see the nurse, which were another 1½ hours. She didn't even see a doctor. The nurse told us there was a chip out of the anklebone, and she would need a plaster cast on. But, she couldn't do it there and then, so I would have to bring Ashleigh back tomorrow.

"We waited for a total of 10 hours"

The nurse put a bandage on her ankle. We had been in the hospital for 6 ½ hours to be told to come back tomorrow. There wasn't even a spare wheelchair to take her back to the car. We had to carry her. I went back the next morning, and there still wasn't a spare wheelchair, so I had to carry her on my back.

We waited in the fracture clinic for 2 ½ hours, the doctor saw her for about 2 minutes, then we waited for a further 2 hours at the plaster room. I was appalled at the waiting time. I know there are other sick people, but when you get an appointment for 10am you don't expect to be still sitting there at 2.30pm. So, all together, we waited for a total of 10 hours. Ashleigh was bored and restless; there were no books or toys in the waiting room. This is a brand new hospital, but they needed more staff, or a better system.

This month has been pretty good. Ashleigh has had her tantrums, David has been up to his usual mischief, but we've been like a real family. It all seems to be coming together, and I feel like its finally working. We all fit in well with each other, and the kids are growing fast. They are growing more confident and positive.

They are slowly letting go of their horrid past, and getting on with the future. That's what it's all about. the future. We have to make a secure future for our children, a future where they can feel safe in. I hope my kids feel safe and secure with Brian and I.

We try our best.

E-mail Lynne and Brian

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