During the last week the subject of 'feeling guilt' was featured on our site.

Two readers have written there own, very personal, account of the feelings of guilt they experienced after adopting children.

Below is the first account, which is un-edited, and tomorrow we will publish the second one.

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I found these stories quite amazing, I hope you do too
Matt
Web Editor

How can an adoptive Mum feel guilty? This must be a question on a lot of peoples minds. If all she ever wanted was to be a Mum, and she has now got her wish, and has a family of her own, why on earth is she feeling guilty?

Well, my name is Jan, and I am married to Steve. We have just had our son aged 14 months placed with us. From the moment I met him, in the Foster cares, I felt guilty.

To start with I felt I was taking her baby. Of course, the baby was never the foster cares to begin with, but he had been there for so long, she had bonded with him, perhaps a little too much for my liking, and to be honest, I felt her feelings towards him were that of a natural Mother, rather than a Foster carer.

It was a very strange feeling, hearing someone call us Mummy and Daddy, to this little person who we were told was our son. Every time we took our little boy out away from the foster carers, I felt guilty that I was taking 'her' son away from her. When in fact, it was the total opposite. He was not her son, nor had never been her son, but the way I perceived it, was I was taking her child away from her.
So, I did not have a good start really did I?

When we got to take him home, 7 days after our 1st meeting, I was overcome with feelings of guilt not only this time for the foster carer, who was broken hearted as we drove away, but this time, immense emotions and feelings about his Birth Mother.

Here we were, with this little boy strapped in his car seat, our son. We were taking him home, to his new home, our home, to sleep in his bed, in his new pyjamas, and to cuddle his new teddy bear.

We were now his new forever Mummy and daddy.
What did his birth Mum have? Nothing, nothing at all. I felt I had taken away her son. Although I knew she could not look after him, that did not matter to me, all I knew was I had her baby and she had nothing at all.

I was the one who would see him take his first steps, I would be the one who he would first say Mama to, not her. He would cut his second tooth for me; I would cuddle him to sleep when he had a bad dream. I know deep down that had we not had Adam, then someone else would have, and that would not have been the birth Mum. And I know that the guilty feelings I had, or am still having in some form or another, have all been blown up out of all proportion due to the tremendous emotional events.

But I still feel a tremendous guilt about all this. My happiness is someone else's sadness, and that upsets me. I am not allowed to meet the birth Mum, nor am I allowed to send photos of my son to her. All I am allowed to do is send an annual report on his progress. These are social services orders, not mine, but will the birth Mum know this, or will she think it is my choice?

I would hate her to think it was my decision to withhold photos etc from her. I also know she must feel a lot of hate towards me. After all, she did contest the adoption, so she is not going to like me is she? I took her son from her when all is said and done at the end of the day didn't I?

I am not a nasty person, so the thought that she hates me, is awful. Both my husband and myself fully intend to tell our son, when he is of an age to understand, about his adoption. We will, if he wants to, support him every step of the way, if he decides he wants to meet his birth mother. We will be by his side, always.

I feel guilt also that when my son is of an age to understand about his adoption, he may also hold us responsible for him not being with his birth mother. He will be told the circumstances around his adoption of course, but will he still hold us responsible? Will he think us the 'big bad wolves' that took him from his birth mum all those years ago?.

When he goes to school, I will be the one who has the mother's day cards. His birth mum will not get any. I will be in his parent's evenings. Not his birth mum. I will be with him when he has his school sports day. I will run in the parent's race. You see, she is missing out on so very much in his life.

It may sound daft that I am guilty, but have you ever thought how you would feel towards me if I was to adopt your child? Have you ever thought how much you would miss out on in just one single year of your child's life? Would you hate me for that? I think you would.

The feelings I have are only natural, so they tell me, but that does not help me. I am also told they will fade with time. Time will tell I expect. The feelings do not stop me being the best mum I can to my son though, I have bonded totally with him, I love him to bits, and would lay down my life for him, without a second thought.

Nothing can beat the hug I get at 3 am when I go in to his bedroom to settle him, and he stands in his cot, smiles at me, and gives me the biggest hug ever. I know at that time I am his Mum, there is no guilt in my mind then. Its at other times, odd times, it just hits me, causing tears sometimes.

I am an adoptive mum, all my life I wanted a child to love. I never wanted though to feel guilty about it. To be constantly thinking about his birth mum missing out on his life. I will admit the feelings are getting less and less, but they are still there, just below the surface.

In the adoption training days, this issue of guilt is never raised; well it was not in my group anyway. So when I began to experience these feelings I was not prepared for it at all. I feel some part of the training should be given to informing prospective adopters, that they may experience some form of guilt when they have their child /children home with them, and that these feelings are only natural.

They are normal feelings that some adopters experience. That way, if these feelings did surface, you would know they are just normal. I feel it is something for social services to think about anyway.

Although I have tended to speak about myself here, it does not mean my husband does not have guilty feelings, although he has told me his are not as strong as my own are. Maybe it is a mummy thing, a female thing, I don't know.

I am proud to be Adam's Mum. I love him to bits. I will always be his Mum, no matter what. I will always be by his side, through thick and thin I will be there for him. It does not change the fact he has 2 Mum's, one birth mum, and one adoptive mum. One adoptive mum, who is watching him, grow up from a baby into a toddler and so on. One birth mum, who is missing out on everything because he lives with me and his Daddy, and not her.

But is that my fault? I don't know. I don't think so deep down. The only thing I know for certain here is that I am Adams adoptive Mum and that I love him so very much. As does his Daddy too.

Are we right or are we wrong to feel guilty? And what are we guilty of? Are we guilty of simply loving our son even though we fully accept another lady gave birth to him?.

You tell me. Am I wrong to feel guilty? Should I feel guilty even?

I have just had to write the hardest thing I have ever written. The annual report to my sons birth mum.

Here I was writing a letter to someone who had given birth to my son, who was infact also, his mum too.

I had to tell her all about his progress was he walking? How many teeth he had. What were his favorite toys, his likes and dislikes with regard to food etc etc.

Not that I minded writing this, not at all, it is the least I can do in fact, but the guilt exploded all over again. I so wanted her to know how well he was doing without rubbing her nose in if you understand me.

I was writing about all the things I feel guilty about. All the things she is missing out on in his life every day in fact. I cannot feel anything but guilt, I cannot say she harmed him, because she she did not, he never even lived with her in fact, it is all down to circumstances beyond her control that she lost him, which makes it even harder for me.

Maybe I should just put these feelings out of my mind, I cannot change anything that has happened can I?

I am now going to try to concentrate on watching my son growing up, enjoy being a Mum. Something I never thought I would be.
Jan