Adoption And Loss - The Hidden Grief

This book is all about Evelyn and her son Stephen, who was adopted as a newborn back in 1970, in Scotland.

Evelyn was a single mum, much frowned upon then, so the church and various other people "advised her" that it would be in the baby's "best interests" if she put him up for adoption, which she did.

At the time Evelyn gave up her child for the right reasons, so she thought. But this is something she now regrets doing. In that era, adoption was thought to be best, but often this idea prove to be wrong.

Evelyn went on to become a social worker, married and had another four children. She then emigrated to Australia to live near her parents.

Her book is all about the grief suffered by the natural parents of adopted children and the grief of the adopted child.

If you are a birth parent of an adopted child, this book is for you. It explains why you feel as you do, explains how the grieving for an adopted child never goes away, just increases as time goes on.

But certain people, namely adoptive parents and infertile couples, are portrayed in a negative light in this book and as an approved adopter, waiting to be matched, and as an infertile woman, I feel I have to offer some defence here.

I feel it is wrong of the author to tar every adoptive couple with the same brush.

She sees ALL infertile couples, once they have adopted (or rescued as she says) a child, as endeavouring to cut off all the child's past and stopping any attempt for the child to trace its natural parents.

Years ago, this may be the case, but nowadays, things are very different. Adoption is spoken about from the word go with the child.

It is no longer a secret that may never be uttered and adoptive parents are encouraged to support a child if they decide to search for their birth family.

I felt sympathy with the author when I read the account of her struggle with her pregnancy and the baby's adoption.

Also it opened my eyes to what birth mothers feel when their child is adopted - something that can only be to my benefit when we have our adoptive child with us.

At the beginning, Evelyn says she makes no apologies for being honest with her opinions in the book, nor should she.

However, I feel she has a chip on her shoulder towards adoptive parents and couples who adopt due to infertility, and this factor comes over a lot in the book. A line that crops up often is: "Women must stop taking other people's children."

It is sad that she feels this way about adopters. Not all adoptive placements are for the wrong reasons, far from it in fact.

And there are thousands of adoptive children out there who have had a very happy life with their adoptive parents and have gone on the find their birth parents and continued to be happy.

There are good and bad adoptive parents just as they are good and bad natural parents.

A lot of anger comes out in he book and I can see where it stems from. Evelyn had a raw deal when she had her baby adopted and that seems to have followed her through her life, which is sad.

I found the book hard to read at times. I felt anger at being judged because I am infertile and waiting to adopt myself.

The book would be of great benefit to birth parents who have lost their children to adoption and to adopted children. As for infertile and adoptive parents...read it at your peril!

Adoption And Loss - The Hidden Grief by Evelyn Burns Robinson is published by Clova Publications in association with Jacobyte Books.

Reviewed by approved adoptive parent Jan Young