Week 9 - Burying ghosts

Well, this was the hardest part of the home assessment I think, for me anyway.

This was the week we had to talk about all the infertility treatment, and how we had tried to have our own family.

After 18 years of treatment, I had tried so hard to 'put it away' at the back of mind.

I felt 'proud' of the fact that it no longer occupied every waking minute of the day anymore, that I had the power to bring it out 'when I wanted to' and then put it back inside again. In short, I was in control.

But now I was being told I had to bring it all out into the open again, only this time I had to show I was in control.

I could not cry for fear of the social worker thinking 'this woman is not over this' - as if you ever do get over it.

It's not a cough, you don't suddenly get better, what happens is a gradual process of acceptance, dealing with it the best you can and then getting on with your life in the way that is right for you. It never goes away, it's always there, lurking at the back of your mind. Popping out when you least expect it to (or want it to)

So this time I had to be strong, or else I was so scared she would think I had lost the plot, and was not ready to go on to adoption.

But even if I had got upset when talking about it, I don't feel that would tell her I was not ready to move on to adoption, it just meant it hurt like hell, but I could still be a mum - a good mum at that.

So I did myself proud in the end. We spoke about what the problems were, who's 'fault' it was (I don't think it's anyone's fault though); what tests we had done, when, where, how many IVF cycles we had (four); if they worked (two worked, I got pregnant but lost the babies at seven weeks); how I coped with the effects of 2 miscarriages (not very well); and when we decided to stop all treatment (almost four years ago now).

She also wanted to know how long after treatment stopped, did we decide adoption was for us. We always knew we wanted to adopt, it just had to be for the right reasons, and the right time, and now is the right time, and for the correct reasons.

To be honest, I really think I got my point over to her very well - that although infertility has played a major part in my life, and that we have had to deal with a lot of pain in the 18 years we have been trying to have a family, only good things have come out of it.

It brought Rob and myself closer together, it made us talk more to each other, and it has taught me the art of patience - something I did not have much of before!

Yes, it hurt to have to talk about it, but I am so glad I did. It needed to be said and now it's over with. I won't have to bring it up again - well, not in so much detail anyway.

I felt comfortable talking to her. I think it was because she was a woman. I don't know how I would have been able to do it, if our social worker had been a man.

I expect it would have been OK, but who knows. It is who you feel relaxed with really. If we had had a male social worker, by the time we had come round to talking about IF treatment, we may have been comfortable with him, so it might not have been too bad.

So, now I can go to sleep at night without having to worry about when she is coming and having to think about what I was going to say to her...until the next time she visits that is.

E-mail Ann and Rob

See also:

Previous diary entries