Week 8 - Planning the nest

It has been a strange week. I have been wanting to decorate the spare room, which is at present a bedroom-cum-junk-room-cum-ironing-cum-laundry room.

I must have wanted to 'make a nest' I think! But, at the same time, I know I must not do that, as nothing is cast in stone yet.

I feel I want to get moving and to start planning the decor. Then I think: OK, so we won't decorate just yet, but shall we buy bunk beds?

Then I saw some children's bedding in a sale. Oh yes, I will get that, I thought, but I stopped myself.

I so much wanted to buy it, but I am getting ahead of myself here. I know I am, but it is so hard not to.

In my head it is safe to plan colour schemes, imagine the bedroom as it will be. But once I allow those thoughts to come to the surface, I know I am treading on dangerous ground, I know I will get hurt.

The one thing that seems to be consistent in my diary is the fact that I am always wanting to be positive but I won't allow myself to be, in case I get hurt. It is that brick wall I am always on about, I stick it up when I need it.

My wall has been up a lot recently, but in saying that, I am taking it down brick by brick. It gets a bit smaller every week.

I think one of the reasons I am starting to want to plan things is due to the waiting. It gives us a lot of time to think, and think I do...too much time to think is not good for me.

I seem to have come across as a very mixed-up person this week. Maybe that's what I am at the moment. I want to move ahead and plan things so very much, but always there is the thought that maybe, it could all go wrong.

So yes, I am mixed up at present - it's only normal I expect. But things can only start to get easier as the assessment goes on.

And we are due our second visit next week, so I wont have so much time to think then, and my wall will hopefully start to come down another brick or two.

I know in the next assessment visit, I have to talk about the infertility treatment and what has happened to me over the last 18 years.

So I know have a lot to think about, but at least I know this sort of thinking is safe because it is all in the past.

E-mail Ann and Rob

See also:

Week 7 - The assessment begins
Week 6 - Waiting for the phone to ring
Week 5 - Preparation training
Week 4 - Thinking ahead
Week 3 - Parental responsibilities
Week 2 - We are on our way...and it feels so good
Week 1 - The social worker is coming
More about Ann and Rob